Trust in Me

You sit there, your hands in your lap
your hair's a mess and your holding back
Scared to share what is in your heart
I understand and I want to know this part
I only hope that one day you will see the light

Baby, don't you see what your heart is feeling
It's aching to scream out the words it means
I know it is hard to release those things
but listen to me, Have faith in me
I am listening
Baby, Trust in me

I hope you will trust in me

Laying in bed starring at the ceiling 
let your mind wonder over your feelings
Stroke my hair, fighting to not love me
But the heart wants what it wants
You can't stop it from feeling
Don't close yourself off listen to what I am saying

Baby, don't you see what your heart is feeling
It's aching to scream out the words it means
I know it is hard to release those things
but listen to me, Have faith in me
I am listening
Baby, Trust in me

I hope you will trust in me
Trust in me
please trust in me

You gotta open up your heart
Let scream out loud.
Let it be known, that your not trapped
that your validated in your own heart
be the one to set yourself free
Please let yourself see that you will always have me

Baby, don't you see what your heart is feeling
It's aching to scream out the words it means
I know it is hard to release those things
but listen to me, Have faith in me
I am listening
Baby, Trust in me

I hope you will trust in me
Will you trust in me
Please trust in me
Trust in me
I can set you free
Have trust in me
Baby please
Trust in me

fight

I am so bloody fucking pissed right now it's just not right. He ask me what is wrong why I have been so guarded so I tell him, and he turns it around on me. And makes his problems his issues my fault. What the hell? He does things and acts in a way that scares me and it is my fault. He says that I am the unstable one. That I am the one with all the problem and issues. But that is just not true. Yes I have a few things that I am going through emotionally but I am not unstable. I am hurt and confused. I am tired and stressed. I am tired of fighting of being strong. I just want happiness. I want laughter and smiles. I want simpleness and fun. I want everything to be ok. I just want to.......be.

Peace is hard to come and there will always be problems and stuff and I understand that. There is a common ground, there is somewhere we can find a little bit of peace not total peace but a little. To lay in the arms of the one I love and not feel like I was mad to do it. To not feel scared, but too feel safe. I want to feel safe. I wish for  my prince my knight in shining armor. Where is he? When will he come and rescue me from my depression and loneliness?

The Window Rain

As I sit in the bay window, my head leaning carefully against the wall. My hair spread across my shoulders and falling onto my chest and slithgly inside my tank top. My knees pulled up and covered with a warm blanket.My face stained with dryed tears and warm salty ones slowly make their way down my cheeks to fall onto my chest.

The rain outside hits the window with a hard but soothing thud. The loud roars of thunder rolling in the background. Beautiful streaks of blue and white light streak across the sky making wonderful playful shapes. The lighting light up the dark sky and the grassy hills showing the shapes of the trees in the distance.

Thoughts my cloud my mind confusing me causeing the tears to form even faster. Will he call? Will he show up? Did I make a mistake in making the choice to be avalible for him to come? Will he leave her for me? This was a huge mistake. I can't believe I did this. I opened my heart to get hurt. I feel in love when I shouldn't have. I set myself up for the god awful pain that I will be feeling. Clenching the phone tightly in my hands praying for it to ring. A sigh gently escapes my lips. A few sniffles follow. I close my eyes and let my mind wonder to wonderful thoughts of him.

Sitting on the couch together cuddled up. Watching Rent, my head laying on your chest. Your hand gently playing with a few strands of my hair. Your lips gently pressing against the top of my head every now and then. Your other hand resting gently on my arm brushing my cheek here and there bring a gentel smile to my lips.my other hand rest on your chest feeling your heart beat. The soothing rhythem of your heart beat warms me and slowly hypotizes me. As we lay relaxed on the couch I fall asleep in the arms of a great man. The warmth of the love in your arms. The comfort your kisses bring. It washes over me and make me relax so much that sleep comes easily. And it comes as a surprise but a pleasant one that such a simple things as cuddling can bring on such a great feeling. Then you wake me with a gentle kiss on the forehead and a soft "hey hun lets go to bed" and lead me slowly to bed by the hand holding tight. Where we cuddle back up after a soft long good night kiss. Our lips brushing against each other.  Our tongues entertwined. Then we pull away and you kiss my nose as I lay my head back on your chest your arms around me. And we drift off to sleep. Heaven is what it feels like to be that close to you.

My thoughts interupted by a clash of thunder, that makes me jump. The question that is in the front of my mind, will I ever experience that feeling, that moment, again?

Then out of the darkness that was still be streaked by lighting, headlights. Coming slowly down the long, winding drive I can see the rain glistening in the yellow light of the car lights. They slowly come to a stop. I stand up and walk to the door and open it to watch and see who the person behind the wheel is. I stand there hearing the rain hitting the ground and the puddles that has formed on grass and sidewalk. Slowly the car door opens and out steps a tall figure. The shape I can tell is a man and reminds me of you.

I step out the door under the cover of the small roof that covers some of the porch. The man takes a few steps towards me as the car door closes. The rain is coming down hard. I take another step to try and get a better look. Lighting streaks across the sky illuminating everything included the features on the mans face. I see your thoughtful beautiful eyes looking at me.

I step down off the porch and take a few slow steps towards you. The rain soaking my hair, making my tank cling to my body. I stop a few feet away from you. I can see your gentle face better now. A small smile spread across your lips as they part and say "Hi". I smile and blink some of the rain out of my eyes. I hesitate, wondering what is going through you mind. What words are you going to speak next? Will I have hurt and heart break? Or will I have the blissful moment I have been longing for? The unknowing is hurtful and wonderful all at the same time. Anticipation can be killer and cause you to do silly things.

I take in a deep breath and slowly let it out. My heart racing I can hear the beat of it in my ears in rythem with the rain. My lips part and a small breath of sound comes out "Hi".

tired and awake

I am tired and it's late. But i have a million things on my mind. Trying to sort them out but having issues doing that, but then again when do I not have issues???  Had a pleasant convo with Nomica tonight. it was pretty funny actually. Made me laugh and smile a lot which I needed a great deal. Talked to someone that... well I don't want to go there because I will only actually cry.

Ok the deal is that i am down about things. I mean why does things have to be so hard? I mean yeah I know that is life get over it blah blah blah. But it just seams unfair. I have a big heart and a kind heart. I always have smiles for people. I am positive most of the time. But yet i get the short end of the stick i get shit on and pushed around. I get hurt and screwed without even the courtesy of a reach around. it's not right at all. I mean ok you know I know we have to be dealt a bad hand every now and then to learn and grow as a person but does it have to be a bad hand every time? I know I am just bitching now and whining but still. I am allowed. But I just feel like everything is crashing down around me and I don't have enough super glue to put all the pieces back together. I feel like I am failing everyone. I feel like I am not living up to the expectations of others and myself. I feel very lost and hurt and confused. I want....I want..... want to feel whole again.

problems

The things I think the things I feel, over emotional or totally real? Confusion mistaken for doubt. Happiness seen as sadness. Loneliness thought of as independence. All mixed up. Causing a scene. Causing pain and strife. Moral dilemmas come to mind and cross your path. What is right for one person may be wrong to another. What is to be done may not be easy. But it has to be done. These are our moments and our problems. To us they may feel like the end of the world at the moment but they are not. and other will not see them as we do and think we are being over baring or exaggerating things but we aren't to us that moment the pain and strife is very real.  Their are others out there with things way worse than our superficial emotional issues and we know this but our feelings are ours and our feelings are real t us and thy need to be shard and dealt with or thy will lead to something that can possibly be destructive. and that is never a good thing. Our problems are ours and ours alone most of the time. We deal with them the best we can. When they are our own and not someone else's they are more real and hit harder than anything else.  

Me in a nutshell so to speak

So over the past few days I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Done a lot of self reflecting I guess you can call it. And now I am going to rant here so you all can read it if you so wish. So here we go.

I am an emotionally intense person. I put my feelings out there for everyone to see and know. I don't hide them unless I absolutely have to. I blurt things out and don't think about them until after the fact. I try to be selfless and listen when other people talk. But sometimes they say something and it reminds me of something that had happen to me or a feeling I have and I take over the conversation. Which I am pretty sure pisses people off and makes them think I am selfish or not listening. And that is not true. But I understand why people think that. I seek for validation emotionally and love without knowing it. I want people to tell me good things about me to make me feel better about myself all the time. Even though I don't ask for these things and I tell people they don't ave to give them. But secretly I want them. I want them without knowing I want them. I seek things that i don't realize I am seeking. I fall for someone I can't have ever no matter what. And it saddens me. It hurts some because it is not something that shouldn't have happened. And I still want that someone but I can't have them. I know this but it doesn't change the feelings. It doesn't get rid of the what if's. I am having a hard time being happy with what I have and I should be estatic about what I have. A good man beautiful children but I still search for more. And I have no idea why. I guess maybe it is just who I am. I will always search for something else other than what I have. Maybe everyone dose that I don't know. And I will never know. But admitting these different parts of me it might help it might not. I don't know. I just wish that is was easier. But it's not. And where is the fun in that right? But to know me and to love me and to accept me is to know that a part of me is indecisive and will always look at the what ifs and my heart will go other places because My soul soars and reaches out to people so much. Because I am suppose to give other people pieces of my heart and share it and not keep it all for myself or give it all to one person. That is somewhat selfish at least I think so. But my emotions are mine and they effect other people. and they are intense. and that may lead people to believe that certain feelings are more than what they really are. But that is me. I am me. Just. Me.

things i want

These are things i just thought i would list. Things that i would like to have done for me kind of like dreams but very reachable and doable with out to much effort and training on my part ya know.

1.) A romantic Candle light dinner home cooked.
2.) Breakfast in bed
3.) Picked up after a long trip and greeted with a great kiss and flowers.
4.) a long kiss in the pouring rain
5.) a Picnic in the park
6.) romantic getaway weekend in a cabin with a fire place and nothing or no one else close by.
7.) a day where i get no bad news.
8.) a love letter
9.) flowers just because and my fav flowers not their signature flower.
10.) a massage
11.) to be swept off my feet.
12.) to write something people love to read.
13.) to be happy with the way I am
14.) find peace with things
15.) to be loved the way i am suppose to be loved the way i deserved to be loved.
16.) to have my desires met and cared about and talked about and thought about