So over the past few days I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Done a lot of self reflecting I guess you can call it. And now I am going to rant here so you all can read it if you so wish. So here we go.
I am an emotionally intense person. I put my feelings out there for everyone to see and know. I don't hide them unless I absolutely have to. I blurt things out and don't think about them until after the fact. I try to be selfless and listen when other people talk. But sometimes they say something and it reminds me of something that had happen to me or a feeling I have and I take over the conversation. Which I am pretty sure pisses people off and makes them think I am selfish or not listening. And that is not true. But I understand why people think that. I seek for validation emotionally and love without knowing it. I want people to tell me good things about me to make me feel better about myself all the time. Even though I don't ask for these things and I tell people they don't ave to give them. But secretly I want them. I want them without knowing I want them. I seek things that i don't realize I am seeking. I fall for someone I can't have ever no matter what. And it saddens me. It hurts some because it is not something that shouldn't have happened. And I still want that someone but I can't have them. I know this but it doesn't change the feelings. It doesn't get rid of the what if's. I am having a hard time being happy with what I have and I should be estatic about what I have. A good man beautiful children but I still search for more. And I have no idea why. I guess maybe it is just who I am. I will always search for something else other than what I have. Maybe everyone dose that I don't know. And I will never know. But admitting these different parts of me it might help it might not. I don't know. I just wish that is was easier. But it's not. And where is the fun in that right? But to know me and to love me and to accept me is to know that a part of me is indecisive and will always look at the what ifs and my heart will go other places because My soul soars and reaches out to people so much. Because I am suppose to give other people pieces of my heart and share it and not keep it all for myself or give it all to one person. That is somewhat selfish at least I think so. But my emotions are mine and they effect other people. and they are intense. and that may lead people to believe that certain feelings are more than what they really are. But that is me. I am me. Just. Me.