You sit there, your hands in your lap
your hair's a mess and your holding back
Scared to share what is in your heart
I understand and I want to know this part
I only hope that one day you will see the light
Baby, don't you see what your heart is feeling
It's aching to scream out the words it means
I know it is hard to release those things
but listen to me, Have faith in me
I am listening
Baby, Trust in me
I hope you will trust in me
Laying in bed starring at the ceiling
let your mind wonder over your feelings
Stroke my hair, fighting to not love me
But the heart wants what it wants
You can't stop it from feeling
Don't close yourself off listen to what I am saying
Baby, don't you see what your heart is feeling
It's aching to scream out the words it means
I know it is hard to release those things
but listen to me, Have faith in me
I am listening
Baby, Trust in me
I hope you will trust in me
Trust in me
please trust in me
You gotta open up your heart
Let scream out loud.
Let it be known, that your not trapped
that your validated in your own heart
be the one to set yourself free
Please let yourself see that you will always have me
Baby, don't you see what your heart is feeling
It's aching to scream out the words it means
I know it is hard to release those things
but listen to me, Have faith in me
I am listening
Baby, Trust in me
I hope you will trust in me
Will you trust in me
Please trust in me
Trust in me
I can set you free
Have trust in me
Baby please
Trust in me
Monday, December 12, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
fight
I am so bloody fucking pissed right now it's just not right. He ask me what is wrong why I have been so guarded so I tell him, and he turns it around on me. And makes his problems his issues my fault. What the hell? He does things and acts in a way that scares me and it is my fault. He says that I am the unstable one. That I am the one with all the problem and issues. But that is just not true. Yes I have a few things that I am going through emotionally but I am not unstable. I am hurt and confused. I am tired and stressed. I am tired of fighting of being strong. I just want happiness. I want laughter and smiles. I want simpleness and fun. I want everything to be ok. I just want to.......be.
Peace is hard to come and there will always be problems and stuff and I understand that. There is a common ground, there is somewhere we can find a little bit of peace not total peace but a little. To lay in the arms of the one I love and not feel like I was mad to do it. To not feel scared, but too feel safe. I want to feel safe. I wish for my prince my knight in shining armor. Where is he? When will he come and rescue me from my depression and loneliness?
Peace is hard to come and there will always be problems and stuff and I understand that. There is a common ground, there is somewhere we can find a little bit of peace not total peace but a little. To lay in the arms of the one I love and not feel like I was mad to do it. To not feel scared, but too feel safe. I want to feel safe. I wish for my prince my knight in shining armor. Where is he? When will he come and rescue me from my depression and loneliness?
Friday, December 2, 2011
The Window Rain
As I sit in the bay window, my head leaning carefully against the wall. My hair spread across my shoulders and falling onto my chest and slithgly inside my tank top. My knees pulled up and covered with a warm blanket.My face stained with dryed tears and warm salty ones slowly make their way down my cheeks to fall onto my chest.
The rain outside hits the window with a hard but soothing thud. The loud roars of thunder rolling in the background. Beautiful streaks of blue and white light streak across the sky making wonderful playful shapes. The lighting light up the dark sky and the grassy hills showing the shapes of the trees in the distance.
Thoughts my cloud my mind confusing me causeing the tears to form even faster. Will he call? Will he show up? Did I make a mistake in making the choice to be avalible for him to come? Will he leave her for me? This was a huge mistake. I can't believe I did this. I opened my heart to get hurt. I feel in love when I shouldn't have. I set myself up for the god awful pain that I will be feeling. Clenching the phone tightly in my hands praying for it to ring. A sigh gently escapes my lips. A few sniffles follow. I close my eyes and let my mind wonder to wonderful thoughts of him.
Sitting on the couch together cuddled up. Watching Rent, my head laying on your chest. Your hand gently playing with a few strands of my hair. Your lips gently pressing against the top of my head every now and then. Your other hand resting gently on my arm brushing my cheek here and there bring a gentel smile to my lips.my other hand rest on your chest feeling your heart beat. The soothing rhythem of your heart beat warms me and slowly hypotizes me. As we lay relaxed on the couch I fall asleep in the arms of a great man. The warmth of the love in your arms. The comfort your kisses bring. It washes over me and make me relax so much that sleep comes easily. And it comes as a surprise but a pleasant one that such a simple things as cuddling can bring on such a great feeling. Then you wake me with a gentle kiss on the forehead and a soft "hey hun lets go to bed" and lead me slowly to bed by the hand holding tight. Where we cuddle back up after a soft long good night kiss. Our lips brushing against each other. Our tongues entertwined. Then we pull away and you kiss my nose as I lay my head back on your chest your arms around me. And we drift off to sleep. Heaven is what it feels like to be that close to you.
My thoughts interupted by a clash of thunder, that makes me jump. The question that is in the front of my mind, will I ever experience that feeling, that moment, again?
Then out of the darkness that was still be streaked by lighting, headlights. Coming slowly down the long, winding drive I can see the rain glistening in the yellow light of the car lights. They slowly come to a stop. I stand up and walk to the door and open it to watch and see who the person behind the wheel is. I stand there hearing the rain hitting the ground and the puddles that has formed on grass and sidewalk. Slowly the car door opens and out steps a tall figure. The shape I can tell is a man and reminds me of you.
I step out the door under the cover of the small roof that covers some of the porch. The man takes a few steps towards me as the car door closes. The rain is coming down hard. I take another step to try and get a better look. Lighting streaks across the sky illuminating everything included the features on the mans face. I see your thoughtful beautiful eyes looking at me.
I step down off the porch and take a few slow steps towards you. The rain soaking my hair, making my tank cling to my body. I stop a few feet away from you. I can see your gentle face better now. A small smile spread across your lips as they part and say "Hi". I smile and blink some of the rain out of my eyes. I hesitate, wondering what is going through you mind. What words are you going to speak next? Will I have hurt and heart break? Or will I have the blissful moment I have been longing for? The unknowing is hurtful and wonderful all at the same time. Anticipation can be killer and cause you to do silly things.
I take in a deep breath and slowly let it out. My heart racing I can hear the beat of it in my ears in rythem with the rain. My lips part and a small breath of sound comes out "Hi".
The rain outside hits the window with a hard but soothing thud. The loud roars of thunder rolling in the background. Beautiful streaks of blue and white light streak across the sky making wonderful playful shapes. The lighting light up the dark sky and the grassy hills showing the shapes of the trees in the distance.
Thoughts my cloud my mind confusing me causeing the tears to form even faster. Will he call? Will he show up? Did I make a mistake in making the choice to be avalible for him to come? Will he leave her for me? This was a huge mistake. I can't believe I did this. I opened my heart to get hurt. I feel in love when I shouldn't have. I set myself up for the god awful pain that I will be feeling. Clenching the phone tightly in my hands praying for it to ring. A sigh gently escapes my lips. A few sniffles follow. I close my eyes and let my mind wonder to wonderful thoughts of him.
Sitting on the couch together cuddled up. Watching Rent, my head laying on your chest. Your hand gently playing with a few strands of my hair. Your lips gently pressing against the top of my head every now and then. Your other hand resting gently on my arm brushing my cheek here and there bring a gentel smile to my lips.my other hand rest on your chest feeling your heart beat. The soothing rhythem of your heart beat warms me and slowly hypotizes me. As we lay relaxed on the couch I fall asleep in the arms of a great man. The warmth of the love in your arms. The comfort your kisses bring. It washes over me and make me relax so much that sleep comes easily. And it comes as a surprise but a pleasant one that such a simple things as cuddling can bring on such a great feeling. Then you wake me with a gentle kiss on the forehead and a soft "hey hun lets go to bed" and lead me slowly to bed by the hand holding tight. Where we cuddle back up after a soft long good night kiss. Our lips brushing against each other. Our tongues entertwined. Then we pull away and you kiss my nose as I lay my head back on your chest your arms around me. And we drift off to sleep. Heaven is what it feels like to be that close to you.
My thoughts interupted by a clash of thunder, that makes me jump. The question that is in the front of my mind, will I ever experience that feeling, that moment, again?
Then out of the darkness that was still be streaked by lighting, headlights. Coming slowly down the long, winding drive I can see the rain glistening in the yellow light of the car lights. They slowly come to a stop. I stand up and walk to the door and open it to watch and see who the person behind the wheel is. I stand there hearing the rain hitting the ground and the puddles that has formed on grass and sidewalk. Slowly the car door opens and out steps a tall figure. The shape I can tell is a man and reminds me of you.
I step out the door under the cover of the small roof that covers some of the porch. The man takes a few steps towards me as the car door closes. The rain is coming down hard. I take another step to try and get a better look. Lighting streaks across the sky illuminating everything included the features on the mans face. I see your thoughtful beautiful eyes looking at me.
I step down off the porch and take a few slow steps towards you. The rain soaking my hair, making my tank cling to my body. I stop a few feet away from you. I can see your gentle face better now. A small smile spread across your lips as they part and say "Hi". I smile and blink some of the rain out of my eyes. I hesitate, wondering what is going through you mind. What words are you going to speak next? Will I have hurt and heart break? Or will I have the blissful moment I have been longing for? The unknowing is hurtful and wonderful all at the same time. Anticipation can be killer and cause you to do silly things.
I take in a deep breath and slowly let it out. My heart racing I can hear the beat of it in my ears in rythem with the rain. My lips part and a small breath of sound comes out "Hi".
tired and awake
I am tired and it's late. But i have a million things on my mind. Trying to sort them out but having issues doing that, but then again when do I not have issues??? Had a pleasant convo with Nomica tonight. it was pretty funny actually. Made me laugh and smile a lot which I needed a great deal. Talked to someone that... well I don't want to go there because I will only actually cry.
Ok the deal is that i am down about things. I mean why does things have to be so hard? I mean yeah I know that is life get over it blah blah blah. But it just seams unfair. I have a big heart and a kind heart. I always have smiles for people. I am positive most of the time. But yet i get the short end of the stick i get shit on and pushed around. I get hurt and screwed without even the courtesy of a reach around. it's not right at all. I mean ok you know I know we have to be dealt a bad hand every now and then to learn and grow as a person but does it have to be a bad hand every time? I know I am just bitching now and whining but still. I am allowed. But I just feel like everything is crashing down around me and I don't have enough super glue to put all the pieces back together. I feel like I am failing everyone. I feel like I am not living up to the expectations of others and myself. I feel very lost and hurt and confused. I want....I want..... want to feel whole again.
Ok the deal is that i am down about things. I mean why does things have to be so hard? I mean yeah I know that is life get over it blah blah blah. But it just seams unfair. I have a big heart and a kind heart. I always have smiles for people. I am positive most of the time. But yet i get the short end of the stick i get shit on and pushed around. I get hurt and screwed without even the courtesy of a reach around. it's not right at all. I mean ok you know I know we have to be dealt a bad hand every now and then to learn and grow as a person but does it have to be a bad hand every time? I know I am just bitching now and whining but still. I am allowed. But I just feel like everything is crashing down around me and I don't have enough super glue to put all the pieces back together. I feel like I am failing everyone. I feel like I am not living up to the expectations of others and myself. I feel very lost and hurt and confused. I want....I want..... want to feel whole again.
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