fairy dust plum

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

questions

The past week or  so I have been feeling ..lost. Not sure if that is the right word to use to describe what I am feeling but for now it is the one I choose. I have a friend that I am worried about haven't heard from them in a while. And trying not o be to nosy or anything but i can't help but to worry because that is who I am. And speaking of Who I am. Why does who I am or how I choose to be used against me in a bad way? So I don't stick myself out there like a lot of people. I can't put myself out there but it is hard. I get hurt just about every time I do it so i am cautious and I watch what I do or say. I let someone in. I tell them secrets i share feelings my desires and get close to them and then i get hurt. So yeah i am pulled back and a hard shell to crack but life has made me this way.

I have lost a friend because I am an emotional person. I am sorry i do wear my emotions on my sleeve and I share them often. That is just how I am. I don't like keeping them bottled up and sometimes it just comes pouring out of me before I get a chance to stop it or even think about it. and because of my emotions that I willing share I get penalized for it. I lose a friend. Granted we was in a weird situation but I still lost her and that hurts. I liked talking to her I liked hearing her side of things. I liked her personality sometimes. She is a good person with good intentions and things in her life are a little up in the air and I know this and that can be hard. But why do I get to be the one hurting because I shared my feelings with a friend about something. I shared without thinking and that may have been my fault I should have though before I spoke but I didn't and now I suffer this. I suffer loss. I am truly sorry to this friend and I hope that maybe someday she will see that and  talk with me again.

I also feel useless to some. I have been given a position of great honor yet I don't feel I deserve it. I don't feel that anyone hears me in this position. That it is like nothing more than a joke a way to poke fun at me. I speak and no one hears me. Someone else speaks and says the same thing and they are heard and they are followed. Why? Why is that? I can be just the same as that person so why am I not heard but they are? It's not right, at least I don't think it is. But then again who am I? I feel like a nobody I feel like I don't belong in any world I am in. I feel alone and confused. Hurt and tears crowd my body and eyes. Feeling left out and behind. Not knowing the things that i want to know hearing from those that I want to hear from. I am not asking to hear the things that I want to hear I just want to hear form those that I want to hear from. to know they are safe and ok. To know if I am still in their thoughts at all or if i really have been cast aside and they have moved on? To many tears i have cried over all these questions that I am asking and longing to hear the answers. Can I have them? Or will I spend forever unknowing and lost in the dark with no light to see? Feeling along the walls for guidance not knowing what is in the past or what might lay ahead? To be in the dark forever is not what I want nor seek. but a small crack so a little light will be let in so i can see is all i ask. Not a flash light, not even a candle just  the tiniest crack in the wall where light will try to escape through so i can see a few dust particles and just a glimpse of a bump that I might trip over.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Funniest thing i have read in a long time

This was given to me this morning in my game I play Second Life (SL) and I feel that it is was to funny to not share with every one that I can share with. SO read and enjoy i know it is long but it is worth it.

Hair Removal....

This is funny. (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but omg......)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal -
The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. 

 Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!!....

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe..................
OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy -
a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip..it's not!
I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?  I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut!  My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself
'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!



I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.  Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

tears

I stand there and watch the door. Wondering what happened. How did this day turn into this. The warm salty tears runs down my cheeks and fall onto my chest. My eyes getting blood shot. Nose slightly runny because of the crying. I start to rerun the events in my head to see if i could figure out everything process it turn it into something understandable.

Sitting on the couch playing spider solitaire on my laptop while watching a show on the TV.  Laughing and enjoying the time that I was having. Calling the laptop names when it gives me a hand that i don't win like it really is all it's fault. He walks in and just stands there. I look up at him "Hi!" I say all cheerfully and happy with a big smile.

He just walks past me into the other room. I set the laptop to the side and follow him.

"Everything ok?? You seem upset and stuff. What happened?" I ask gently as I place my hand on his shoulder. Hopeing to sooth him and find out what was on his mind.

He throws my arm off of him and turns around and stare into my eyes. I can see things in his eyes that I had never seen before. Things that are mean and hateful. Secrets that are being kept and not shared. I feel my eyes start to tear up but I don't let them fall. Not yet not until I know what he has to say. "Whats going on hun?" I let slip shatteringly past my lips.

"I am leaving." He says all stern and manly. as he starts gathering up his clothes and items that are his. I stand there in shock not sure what to say or how to react. Running throw my mind was a lot of things. Did something happen to a family member? Is there something about his job he hasn't told me? Or the worst thought that had entered my mind, Is he leaving me...for someone else?

With a big swallow holding back my tears and breath I ask, " What do you mean by 'your leaving'?" I feel my whole body starting to shake. Tears pushing to escape. I step closer to him hoping that my world is not about to fall apart hoping that my life was not about to change in a very big and bad way.

He stops packing for a minute and looks as if he is gathering his thoughts as if he was trying to figure out what to say. He turned around again to look at me. I knew by the look that laid on his face what he meant by that statement, but I waited I waited to hear the words because it wasn't true until he said the words. I watched as he parted his lips and the words came out. It was like someone had hit the slow motion button at that moment it seems very unreal and hard and gut wrenching like waiting to know hear the doctor tell you you are gonna survive cancer or a horrible accident. "I am leaveing you. I can't do this anymore." He stopped and so did my heart.

The tears finally won and took over. They ran down my cheeks. Barly able to get the words out they sounded like squeaks from a mouse, "What do you mean? You can't do what anymore?  What did I do?" The shaking getting to the point it was making it hard for me to stand so I stepped back until i found the wall to lean against. I watched as he moved around the room gathering things not able to say anything else to him not sure what to do or think. Waiting for a response to come for something to explain everything.

"I am done. I am done pretending that i care anymore when I don't. You mean nothing to me. This life we built this world we live in. It's fake! I have given and you have given so much and yet i can't go on pretending to love you to want to have a life with you to want to share everything with you. Your to cheerful and see to much good and I am not that way and i can't stand being around someone who is anymore. you give people way to many chances. Including me. When you found out about Marie about the accounts, you should have ran. But you didn't. You kept telling me everything would be ok, you kept saying it would take time but i would be forgiven. Well I can't forgive myself." He stopped talking only to move into the bathroom to grab a few things out of there. He came back into the room with a furry that i had not seen. I gasped for breath from the crying trying to find words but there was none.

He spoke truth. I do forgive people to easily. I give people chances when they probably shouldn't be. I have faith and a lot of it that everyone will do the right thing. I see good where others see evil. When I found out that he had been seeing someone else I should have thrown him out but I didn't I kept him I kept him to keep trying to know that things would work. When I found the secret bank accounts with a lot of money in it when we had been struggling to make ends met. I should have left but I didn't I figured there was a good reason for all. And now I stand here in awe. Wondering what I did why I wasn't good enough anymore waiting for some reason this time. Reason that I wasn't finding on my own at the moment.

He started again. "I can't forgive myself for hurting you the way I have. For knowing that I still want someone else. For lying and keeping secrets. I just can't do it. So I am taking my things and myself form your life and leaving. You can move on and find someone that deserves the goodness you have to share and  that deserves you as I don't. I know you love me with all your heart but you will survive and move on. But the hurt that i will keep causing you when I leave and go out the door and everything it's nor worth it. Your not worth my guilt anymore. I am done. I am finished. I am out." Without any more explanation he walked out of the room with his bags in his hand and I followed. still at a lost for words. Standing still in the front room looking at him. No words to be found. No feeling to say out loud.

With his hand on the door knob he stopped for only a moment and barely made out something audible " I'm sorry." and with that the door closed and he was gone. I stood there the tears staining my chest  still rushing form my eyes. It has changed my world has changed and I stand alone with no words to speak outloud.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Sweetness

Your Lips stop my heart when they reach mine
the taste of your mouth so sublime
the caress of your fingers against my cheek running through my hair
your eyes pierce my soul
you know me better than anyone

Each heartbeat says your name
every thought has your smile
the bearth that I take
help me breath in your life
I don't want to depart
So I will just get lost in us tonight

Laying between the sheets bodies entwind
fingers interlocked  my head on your chest
we talk about hope and dreams
expressing our deepest feelings
as you kiss teh sweat from my forehead
and hold me tight I know whats screaming on the inside

Each heartbeat says my name every thought has my smile
the breaths that you take
help  you breath in my life
you dont' want to depart
so you'll just got lost in us tonight

Having you by my side
gives me such a high
the ecstasy I feel when
your pressed against me
hard to deny the connection
we feel inside
so many moments apart
maybe one day it will stop

Each heartbeat says each others name
every thought we see our smiles
the breaths that we take
breath in our lives
we don't want to depart So, we will just get lost
in us tonight