I stand there and watch the door. Wondering what happened. How did this day turn into this. The warm salty tears runs down my cheeks and fall onto my chest. My eyes getting blood shot. Nose slightly runny because of the crying. I start to rerun the events in my head to see if i could figure out everything process it turn it into something understandable.
Sitting on the couch playing spider solitaire on my laptop while watching a show on the TV. Laughing and enjoying the time that I was having. Calling the laptop names when it gives me a hand that i don't win like it really is all it's fault. He walks in and just stands there. I look up at him "Hi!" I say all cheerfully and happy with a big smile.
He just walks past me into the other room. I set the laptop to the side and follow him.
"Everything ok?? You seem upset and stuff. What happened?" I ask gently as I place my hand on his shoulder. Hopeing to sooth him and find out what was on his mind.
He throws my arm off of him and turns around and stare into my eyes. I can see things in his eyes that I had never seen before. Things that are mean and hateful. Secrets that are being kept and not shared. I feel my eyes start to tear up but I don't let them fall. Not yet not until I know what he has to say. "Whats going on hun?" I let slip shatteringly past my lips.
"I am leaving." He says all stern and manly. as he starts gathering up his clothes and items that are his. I stand there in shock not sure what to say or how to react. Running throw my mind was a lot of things. Did something happen to a family member? Is there something about his job he hasn't told me? Or the worst thought that had entered my mind, Is he leaving me...for someone else?
With a big swallow holding back my tears and breath I ask, " What do you mean by 'your leaving'?" I feel my whole body starting to shake. Tears pushing to escape. I step closer to him hoping that my world is not about to fall apart hoping that my life was not about to change in a very big and bad way.
He stops packing for a minute and looks as if he is gathering his thoughts as if he was trying to figure out what to say. He turned around again to look at me. I knew by the look that laid on his face what he meant by that statement, but I waited I waited to hear the words because it wasn't true until he said the words. I watched as he parted his lips and the words came out. It was like someone had hit the slow motion button at that moment it seems very unreal and hard and gut wrenching like waiting to know hear the doctor tell you you are gonna survive cancer or a horrible accident. "I am leaveing you. I can't do this anymore." He stopped and so did my heart.
The tears finally won and took over. They ran down my cheeks. Barly able to get the words out they sounded like squeaks from a mouse, "What do you mean? You can't do what anymore? What did I do?" The shaking getting to the point it was making it hard for me to stand so I stepped back until i found the wall to lean against. I watched as he moved around the room gathering things not able to say anything else to him not sure what to do or think. Waiting for a response to come for something to explain everything.
"I am done. I am done pretending that i care anymore when I don't. You mean nothing to me. This life we built this world we live in. It's fake! I have given and you have given so much and yet i can't go on pretending to love you to want to have a life with you to want to share everything with you. Your to cheerful and see to much good and I am not that way and i can't stand being around someone who is anymore. you give people way to many chances. Including me. When you found out about Marie about the accounts, you should have ran. But you didn't. You kept telling me everything would be ok, you kept saying it would take time but i would be forgiven. Well I can't forgive myself." He stopped talking only to move into the bathroom to grab a few things out of there. He came back into the room with a furry that i had not seen. I gasped for breath from the crying trying to find words but there was none.
He spoke truth. I do forgive people to easily. I give people chances when they probably shouldn't be. I have faith and a lot of it that everyone will do the right thing. I see good where others see evil. When I found out that he had been seeing someone else I should have thrown him out but I didn't I kept him I kept him to keep trying to know that things would work. When I found the secret bank accounts with a lot of money in it when we had been struggling to make ends met. I should have left but I didn't I figured there was a good reason for all. And now I stand here in awe. Wondering what I did why I wasn't good enough anymore waiting for some reason this time. Reason that I wasn't finding on my own at the moment.
He started again. "I can't forgive myself for hurting you the way I have. For knowing that I still want someone else. For lying and keeping secrets. I just can't do it. So I am taking my things and myself form your life and leaving. You can move on and find someone that deserves the goodness you have to share and that deserves you as I don't. I know you love me with all your heart but you will survive and move on. But the hurt that i will keep causing you when I leave and go out the door and everything it's nor worth it. Your not worth my guilt anymore. I am done. I am finished. I am out." Without any more explanation he walked out of the room with his bags in his hand and I followed. still at a lost for words. Standing still in the front room looking at him. No words to be found. No feeling to say out loud.
With his hand on the door knob he stopped for only a moment and barely made out something audible " I'm sorry." and with that the door closed and he was gone. I stood there the tears staining my chest still rushing form my eyes. It has changed my world has changed and I stand alone with no words to speak outloud.