The past week or so I have been feeling ..lost. Not sure if that is the right word to use to describe what I am feeling but for now it is the one I choose. I have a friend that I am worried about haven't heard from them in a while. And trying not o be to nosy or anything but i can't help but to worry because that is who I am. And speaking of Who I am. Why does who I am or how I choose to be used against me in a bad way? So I don't stick myself out there like a lot of people. I can't put myself out there but it is hard. I get hurt just about every time I do it so i am cautious and I watch what I do or say. I let someone in. I tell them secrets i share feelings my desires and get close to them and then i get hurt. So yeah i am pulled back and a hard shell to crack but life has made me this way.
I have lost a friend because I am an emotional person. I am sorry i do wear my emotions on my sleeve and I share them often. That is just how I am. I don't like keeping them bottled up and sometimes it just comes pouring out of me before I get a chance to stop it or even think about it. and because of my emotions that I willing share I get penalized for it. I lose a friend. Granted we was in a weird situation but I still lost her and that hurts. I liked talking to her I liked hearing her side of things. I liked her personality sometimes. She is a good person with good intentions and things in her life are a little up in the air and I know this and that can be hard. But why do I get to be the one hurting because I shared my feelings with a friend about something. I shared without thinking and that may have been my fault I should have though before I spoke but I didn't and now I suffer this. I suffer loss. I am truly sorry to this friend and I hope that maybe someday she will see that and talk with me again.
I also feel useless to some. I have been given a position of great honor yet I don't feel I deserve it. I don't feel that anyone hears me in this position. That it is like nothing more than a joke a way to poke fun at me. I speak and no one hears me. Someone else speaks and says the same thing and they are heard and they are followed. Why? Why is that? I can be just the same as that person so why am I not heard but they are? It's not right, at least I don't think it is. But then again who am I? I feel like a nobody I feel like I don't belong in any world I am in. I feel alone and confused. Hurt and tears crowd my body and eyes. Feeling left out and behind. Not knowing the things that i want to know hearing from those that I want to hear from. I am not asking to hear the things that I want to hear I just want to hear form those that I want to hear from. to know they are safe and ok. To know if I am still in their thoughts at all or if i really have been cast aside and they have moved on? To many tears i have cried over all these questions that I am asking and longing to hear the answers. Can I have them? Or will I spend forever unknowing and lost in the dark with no light to see? Feeling along the walls for guidance not knowing what is in the past or what might lay ahead? To be in the dark forever is not what I want nor seek. but a small crack so a little light will be let in so i can see is all i ask. Not a flash light, not even a candle just the tiniest crack in the wall where light will try to escape through so i can see a few dust particles and just a glimpse of a bump that I might trip over.