tired and awake

I am tired and it's late. But i have a million things on my mind. Trying to sort them out but having issues doing that, but then again when do I not have issues???  Had a pleasant convo with Nomica tonight. it was pretty funny actually. Made me laugh and smile a lot which I needed a great deal. Talked to someone that... well I don't want to go there because I will only actually cry.

Ok the deal is that i am down about things. I mean why does things have to be so hard? I mean yeah I know that is life get over it blah blah blah. But it just seams unfair. I have a big heart and a kind heart. I always have smiles for people. I am positive most of the time. But yet i get the short end of the stick i get shit on and pushed around. I get hurt and screwed without even the courtesy of a reach around. it's not right at all. I mean ok you know I know we have to be dealt a bad hand every now and then to learn and grow as a person but does it have to be a bad hand every time? I know I am just bitching now and whining but still. I am allowed. But I just feel like everything is crashing down around me and I don't have enough super glue to put all the pieces back together. I feel like I am failing everyone. I feel like I am not living up to the expectations of others and myself. I feel very lost and hurt and confused. I want....I want..... want to feel whole again.