Drowning

The hurt and pain that I am in right now does not even begin to describe what I put you through. I know I did wrong. I know this, I understand this and I accept it. But at least I didn't do my wrong where we share our life together. Where we share our family time. Where we are together. Where our children are. The tears have not stopped. Even though you might not be able to see them streaming down my cheeks and form my bloodshot eyes.
On the inside I am a dam that has been broken and all the water is rushing over everything around making it hard to see drowning in my sadness and sorrow. Not knowing where I can turn. Who I can trust with my feelings, my heart. The place I want to run to I can't. The place I should want to run to I don't want to because of the pain and the feelings that I do and don't have. Of the fear that I will be alone forever or I may stay for the wrong reasons. Of the fear that I do truly want you and just don't see it for myself yet.
I still have wants and feeling that are outside of you. That are for someone else. It could just be a possible fleeting things like a mid life crisis. After I buy the bright shiny red corvette  and drive it for a bit I will be done and over it. I will be fine and know everything that I want. Or it could be something real and more that will pull me someplace I have never been and I might want to stay there and be in that moment forever and never leave. To be wrapped in the arms of something I have missed for a while. To feel things that have been absent for so long.
I don't know what I want at this point. I am so sick of saying I don't know but right now with all the confusion I can't see the answers through all the fog that is clouding the path in front of me. Eventually it will clear and I will be able to see. I will know and so will you and everyone else that needs to know. Until then I don't know the answers that you seek or that I seek. I wish I did make things so much easier. Right now that is not the case. So until then I grasp at the passing tree branch's to save myself until they break. waiting for my life boat to save me. And to see who my rescuer is.