Thursday, October 20, 2011
problems
The things I think the things I feel, over emotional or totally real? Confusion mistaken for doubt. Happiness seen as sadness. Loneliness thought of as independence. All mixed up. Causing a scene. Causing pain and strife. Moral dilemmas come to mind and cross your path. What is right for one person may be wrong to another. What is to be done may not be easy. But it has to be done. These are our moments and our problems. To us they may feel like the end of the world at the moment but they are not. and other will not see them as we do and think we are being over baring or exaggerating things but we aren't to us that moment the pain and strife is very real. Their are others out there with things way worse than our superficial emotional issues and we know this but our feelings are ours and our feelings are real t us and thy need to be shard and dealt with or thy will lead to something that can possibly be destructive. and that is never a good thing. Our problems are ours and ours alone most of the time. We deal with them the best we can. When they are our own and not someone else's they are more real and hit harder than anything else.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Me in a nutshell so to speak
So over the past few days I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Done a lot of self reflecting I guess you can call it. And now I am going to rant here so you all can read it if you so wish. So here we go.
I am an emotionally intense person. I put my feelings out there for everyone to see and know. I don't hide them unless I absolutely have to. I blurt things out and don't think about them until after the fact. I try to be selfless and listen when other people talk. But sometimes they say something and it reminds me of something that had happen to me or a feeling I have and I take over the conversation. Which I am pretty sure pisses people off and makes them think I am selfish or not listening. And that is not true. But I understand why people think that. I seek for validation emotionally and love without knowing it. I want people to tell me good things about me to make me feel better about myself all the time. Even though I don't ask for these things and I tell people they don't ave to give them. But secretly I want them. I want them without knowing I want them. I seek things that i don't realize I am seeking. I fall for someone I can't have ever no matter what. And it saddens me. It hurts some because it is not something that shouldn't have happened. And I still want that someone but I can't have them. I know this but it doesn't change the feelings. It doesn't get rid of the what if's. I am having a hard time being happy with what I have and I should be estatic about what I have. A good man beautiful children but I still search for more. And I have no idea why. I guess maybe it is just who I am. I will always search for something else other than what I have. Maybe everyone dose that I don't know. And I will never know. But admitting these different parts of me it might help it might not. I don't know. I just wish that is was easier. But it's not. And where is the fun in that right? But to know me and to love me and to accept me is to know that a part of me is indecisive and will always look at the what ifs and my heart will go other places because My soul soars and reaches out to people so much. Because I am suppose to give other people pieces of my heart and share it and not keep it all for myself or give it all to one person. That is somewhat selfish at least I think so. But my emotions are mine and they effect other people. and they are intense. and that may lead people to believe that certain feelings are more than what they really are. But that is me. I am me. Just. Me.
I am an emotionally intense person. I put my feelings out there for everyone to see and know. I don't hide them unless I absolutely have to. I blurt things out and don't think about them until after the fact. I try to be selfless and listen when other people talk. But sometimes they say something and it reminds me of something that had happen to me or a feeling I have and I take over the conversation. Which I am pretty sure pisses people off and makes them think I am selfish or not listening. And that is not true. But I understand why people think that. I seek for validation emotionally and love without knowing it. I want people to tell me good things about me to make me feel better about myself all the time. Even though I don't ask for these things and I tell people they don't ave to give them. But secretly I want them. I want them without knowing I want them. I seek things that i don't realize I am seeking. I fall for someone I can't have ever no matter what. And it saddens me. It hurts some because it is not something that shouldn't have happened. And I still want that someone but I can't have them. I know this but it doesn't change the feelings. It doesn't get rid of the what if's. I am having a hard time being happy with what I have and I should be estatic about what I have. A good man beautiful children but I still search for more. And I have no idea why. I guess maybe it is just who I am. I will always search for something else other than what I have. Maybe everyone dose that I don't know. And I will never know. But admitting these different parts of me it might help it might not. I don't know. I just wish that is was easier. But it's not. And where is the fun in that right? But to know me and to love me and to accept me is to know that a part of me is indecisive and will always look at the what ifs and my heart will go other places because My soul soars and reaches out to people so much. Because I am suppose to give other people pieces of my heart and share it and not keep it all for myself or give it all to one person. That is somewhat selfish at least I think so. But my emotions are mine and they effect other people. and they are intense. and that may lead people to believe that certain feelings are more than what they really are. But that is me. I am me. Just. Me.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
things i want
These are things i just thought i would list. Things that i would like to have done for me kind of like dreams but very reachable and doable with out to much effort and training on my part ya know.
1.) A romantic Candle light dinner home cooked.
2.) Breakfast in bed
3.) Picked up after a long trip and greeted with a great kiss and flowers.
4.) a long kiss in the pouring rain
5.) a Picnic in the park
6.) romantic getaway weekend in a cabin with a fire place and nothing or no one else close by.
7.) a day where i get no bad news.
8.) a love letter
9.) flowers just because and my fav flowers not their signature flower.
10.) a massage
11.) to be swept off my feet.
12.) to write something people love to read.
13.) to be happy with the way I am
14.) find peace with things
15.) to be loved the way i am suppose to be loved the way i deserved to be loved.
16.) to have my desires met and cared about and talked about and thought about
1.) A romantic Candle light dinner home cooked.
2.) Breakfast in bed
3.) Picked up after a long trip and greeted with a great kiss and flowers.
4.) a long kiss in the pouring rain
5.) a Picnic in the park
6.) romantic getaway weekend in a cabin with a fire place and nothing or no one else close by.
7.) a day where i get no bad news.
8.) a love letter
9.) flowers just because and my fav flowers not their signature flower.
10.) a massage
11.) to be swept off my feet.
12.) to write something people love to read.
13.) to be happy with the way I am
14.) find peace with things
15.) to be loved the way i am suppose to be loved the way i deserved to be loved.
16.) to have my desires met and cared about and talked about and thought about
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
questions
The past week or so I have been feeling ..lost. Not sure if that is the right word to use to describe what I am feeling but for now it is the one I choose. I have a friend that I am worried about haven't heard from them in a while. And trying not o be to nosy or anything but i can't help but to worry because that is who I am. And speaking of Who I am. Why does who I am or how I choose to be used against me in a bad way? So I don't stick myself out there like a lot of people. I can't put myself out there but it is hard. I get hurt just about every time I do it so i am cautious and I watch what I do or say. I let someone in. I tell them secrets i share feelings my desires and get close to them and then i get hurt. So yeah i am pulled back and a hard shell to crack but life has made me this way.
I have lost a friend because I am an emotional person. I am sorry i do wear my emotions on my sleeve and I share them often. That is just how I am. I don't like keeping them bottled up and sometimes it just comes pouring out of me before I get a chance to stop it or even think about it. and because of my emotions that I willing share I get penalized for it. I lose a friend. Granted we was in a weird situation but I still lost her and that hurts. I liked talking to her I liked hearing her side of things. I liked her personality sometimes. She is a good person with good intentions and things in her life are a little up in the air and I know this and that can be hard. But why do I get to be the one hurting because I shared my feelings with a friend about something. I shared without thinking and that may have been my fault I should have though before I spoke but I didn't and now I suffer this. I suffer loss. I am truly sorry to this friend and I hope that maybe someday she will see that and talk with me again.
I also feel useless to some. I have been given a position of great honor yet I don't feel I deserve it. I don't feel that anyone hears me in this position. That it is like nothing more than a joke a way to poke fun at me. I speak and no one hears me. Someone else speaks and says the same thing and they are heard and they are followed. Why? Why is that? I can be just the same as that person so why am I not heard but they are? It's not right, at least I don't think it is. But then again who am I? I feel like a nobody I feel like I don't belong in any world I am in. I feel alone and confused. Hurt and tears crowd my body and eyes. Feeling left out and behind. Not knowing the things that i want to know hearing from those that I want to hear from. I am not asking to hear the things that I want to hear I just want to hear form those that I want to hear from. to know they are safe and ok. To know if I am still in their thoughts at all or if i really have been cast aside and they have moved on? To many tears i have cried over all these questions that I am asking and longing to hear the answers. Can I have them? Or will I spend forever unknowing and lost in the dark with no light to see? Feeling along the walls for guidance not knowing what is in the past or what might lay ahead? To be in the dark forever is not what I want nor seek. but a small crack so a little light will be let in so i can see is all i ask. Not a flash light, not even a candle just the tiniest crack in the wall where light will try to escape through so i can see a few dust particles and just a glimpse of a bump that I might trip over.
I have lost a friend because I am an emotional person. I am sorry i do wear my emotions on my sleeve and I share them often. That is just how I am. I don't like keeping them bottled up and sometimes it just comes pouring out of me before I get a chance to stop it or even think about it. and because of my emotions that I willing share I get penalized for it. I lose a friend. Granted we was in a weird situation but I still lost her and that hurts. I liked talking to her I liked hearing her side of things. I liked her personality sometimes. She is a good person with good intentions and things in her life are a little up in the air and I know this and that can be hard. But why do I get to be the one hurting because I shared my feelings with a friend about something. I shared without thinking and that may have been my fault I should have though before I spoke but I didn't and now I suffer this. I suffer loss. I am truly sorry to this friend and I hope that maybe someday she will see that and talk with me again.
I also feel useless to some. I have been given a position of great honor yet I don't feel I deserve it. I don't feel that anyone hears me in this position. That it is like nothing more than a joke a way to poke fun at me. I speak and no one hears me. Someone else speaks and says the same thing and they are heard and they are followed. Why? Why is that? I can be just the same as that person so why am I not heard but they are? It's not right, at least I don't think it is. But then again who am I? I feel like a nobody I feel like I don't belong in any world I am in. I feel alone and confused. Hurt and tears crowd my body and eyes. Feeling left out and behind. Not knowing the things that i want to know hearing from those that I want to hear from. I am not asking to hear the things that I want to hear I just want to hear form those that I want to hear from. to know they are safe and ok. To know if I am still in their thoughts at all or if i really have been cast aside and they have moved on? To many tears i have cried over all these questions that I am asking and longing to hear the answers. Can I have them? Or will I spend forever unknowing and lost in the dark with no light to see? Feeling along the walls for guidance not knowing what is in the past or what might lay ahead? To be in the dark forever is not what I want nor seek. but a small crack so a little light will be let in so i can see is all i ask. Not a flash light, not even a candle just the tiniest crack in the wall where light will try to escape through so i can see a few dust particles and just a glimpse of a bump that I might trip over.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
tears
I stand there and watch the door. Wondering what happened. How did this day turn into this. The warm salty tears runs down my cheeks and fall onto my chest. My eyes getting blood shot. Nose slightly runny because of the crying. I start to rerun the events in my head to see if i could figure out everything process it turn it into something understandable.
Sitting on the couch playing spider solitaire on my laptop while watching a show on the TV. Laughing and enjoying the time that I was having. Calling the laptop names when it gives me a hand that i don't win like it really is all it's fault. He walks in and just stands there. I look up at him "Hi!" I say all cheerfully and happy with a big smile.
He just walks past me into the other room. I set the laptop to the side and follow him.
"Everything ok?? You seem upset and stuff. What happened?" I ask gently as I place my hand on his shoulder. Hopeing to sooth him and find out what was on his mind.
He throws my arm off of him and turns around and stare into my eyes. I can see things in his eyes that I had never seen before. Things that are mean and hateful. Secrets that are being kept and not shared. I feel my eyes start to tear up but I don't let them fall. Not yet not until I know what he has to say. "Whats going on hun?" I let slip shatteringly past my lips.
"I am leaving." He says all stern and manly. as he starts gathering up his clothes and items that are his. I stand there in shock not sure what to say or how to react. Running throw my mind was a lot of things. Did something happen to a family member? Is there something about his job he hasn't told me? Or the worst thought that had entered my mind, Is he leaving me...for someone else?
With a big swallow holding back my tears and breath I ask, " What do you mean by 'your leaving'?" I feel my whole body starting to shake. Tears pushing to escape. I step closer to him hoping that my world is not about to fall apart hoping that my life was not about to change in a very big and bad way.
He stops packing for a minute and looks as if he is gathering his thoughts as if he was trying to figure out what to say. He turned around again to look at me. I knew by the look that laid on his face what he meant by that statement, but I waited I waited to hear the words because it wasn't true until he said the words. I watched as he parted his lips and the words came out. It was like someone had hit the slow motion button at that moment it seems very unreal and hard and gut wrenching like waiting to know hear the doctor tell you you are gonna survive cancer or a horrible accident. "I am leaveing you. I can't do this anymore." He stopped and so did my heart.
The tears finally won and took over. They ran down my cheeks. Barly able to get the words out they sounded like squeaks from a mouse, "What do you mean? You can't do what anymore? What did I do?" The shaking getting to the point it was making it hard for me to stand so I stepped back until i found the wall to lean against. I watched as he moved around the room gathering things not able to say anything else to him not sure what to do or think. Waiting for a response to come for something to explain everything.
"I am done. I am done pretending that i care anymore when I don't. You mean nothing to me. This life we built this world we live in. It's fake! I have given and you have given so much and yet i can't go on pretending to love you to want to have a life with you to want to share everything with you. Your to cheerful and see to much good and I am not that way and i can't stand being around someone who is anymore. you give people way to many chances. Including me. When you found out about Marie about the accounts, you should have ran. But you didn't. You kept telling me everything would be ok, you kept saying it would take time but i would be forgiven. Well I can't forgive myself." He stopped talking only to move into the bathroom to grab a few things out of there. He came back into the room with a furry that i had not seen. I gasped for breath from the crying trying to find words but there was none.
He spoke truth. I do forgive people to easily. I give people chances when they probably shouldn't be. I have faith and a lot of it that everyone will do the right thing. I see good where others see evil. When I found out that he had been seeing someone else I should have thrown him out but I didn't I kept him I kept him to keep trying to know that things would work. When I found the secret bank accounts with a lot of money in it when we had been struggling to make ends met. I should have left but I didn't I figured there was a good reason for all. And now I stand here in awe. Wondering what I did why I wasn't good enough anymore waiting for some reason this time. Reason that I wasn't finding on my own at the moment.
He started again. "I can't forgive myself for hurting you the way I have. For knowing that I still want someone else. For lying and keeping secrets. I just can't do it. So I am taking my things and myself form your life and leaving. You can move on and find someone that deserves the goodness you have to share and that deserves you as I don't. I know you love me with all your heart but you will survive and move on. But the hurt that i will keep causing you when I leave and go out the door and everything it's nor worth it. Your not worth my guilt anymore. I am done. I am finished. I am out." Without any more explanation he walked out of the room with his bags in his hand and I followed. still at a lost for words. Standing still in the front room looking at him. No words to be found. No feeling to say out loud.
With his hand on the door knob he stopped for only a moment and barely made out something audible " I'm sorry." and with that the door closed and he was gone. I stood there the tears staining my chest still rushing form my eyes. It has changed my world has changed and I stand alone with no words to speak outloud.
Sitting on the couch playing spider solitaire on my laptop while watching a show on the TV. Laughing and enjoying the time that I was having. Calling the laptop names when it gives me a hand that i don't win like it really is all it's fault. He walks in and just stands there. I look up at him "Hi!" I say all cheerfully and happy with a big smile.
He just walks past me into the other room. I set the laptop to the side and follow him.
"Everything ok?? You seem upset and stuff. What happened?" I ask gently as I place my hand on his shoulder. Hopeing to sooth him and find out what was on his mind.
He throws my arm off of him and turns around and stare into my eyes. I can see things in his eyes that I had never seen before. Things that are mean and hateful. Secrets that are being kept and not shared. I feel my eyes start to tear up but I don't let them fall. Not yet not until I know what he has to say. "Whats going on hun?" I let slip shatteringly past my lips.
"I am leaving." He says all stern and manly. as he starts gathering up his clothes and items that are his. I stand there in shock not sure what to say or how to react. Running throw my mind was a lot of things. Did something happen to a family member? Is there something about his job he hasn't told me? Or the worst thought that had entered my mind, Is he leaving me...for someone else?
With a big swallow holding back my tears and breath I ask, " What do you mean by 'your leaving'?" I feel my whole body starting to shake. Tears pushing to escape. I step closer to him hoping that my world is not about to fall apart hoping that my life was not about to change in a very big and bad way.
He stops packing for a minute and looks as if he is gathering his thoughts as if he was trying to figure out what to say. He turned around again to look at me. I knew by the look that laid on his face what he meant by that statement, but I waited I waited to hear the words because it wasn't true until he said the words. I watched as he parted his lips and the words came out. It was like someone had hit the slow motion button at that moment it seems very unreal and hard and gut wrenching like waiting to know hear the doctor tell you you are gonna survive cancer or a horrible accident. "I am leaveing you. I can't do this anymore." He stopped and so did my heart.
The tears finally won and took over. They ran down my cheeks. Barly able to get the words out they sounded like squeaks from a mouse, "What do you mean? You can't do what anymore? What did I do?" The shaking getting to the point it was making it hard for me to stand so I stepped back until i found the wall to lean against. I watched as he moved around the room gathering things not able to say anything else to him not sure what to do or think. Waiting for a response to come for something to explain everything.
"I am done. I am done pretending that i care anymore when I don't. You mean nothing to me. This life we built this world we live in. It's fake! I have given and you have given so much and yet i can't go on pretending to love you to want to have a life with you to want to share everything with you. Your to cheerful and see to much good and I am not that way and i can't stand being around someone who is anymore. you give people way to many chances. Including me. When you found out about Marie about the accounts, you should have ran. But you didn't. You kept telling me everything would be ok, you kept saying it would take time but i would be forgiven. Well I can't forgive myself." He stopped talking only to move into the bathroom to grab a few things out of there. He came back into the room with a furry that i had not seen. I gasped for breath from the crying trying to find words but there was none.
He spoke truth. I do forgive people to easily. I give people chances when they probably shouldn't be. I have faith and a lot of it that everyone will do the right thing. I see good where others see evil. When I found out that he had been seeing someone else I should have thrown him out but I didn't I kept him I kept him to keep trying to know that things would work. When I found the secret bank accounts with a lot of money in it when we had been struggling to make ends met. I should have left but I didn't I figured there was a good reason for all. And now I stand here in awe. Wondering what I did why I wasn't good enough anymore waiting for some reason this time. Reason that I wasn't finding on my own at the moment.
He started again. "I can't forgive myself for hurting you the way I have. For knowing that I still want someone else. For lying and keeping secrets. I just can't do it. So I am taking my things and myself form your life and leaving. You can move on and find someone that deserves the goodness you have to share and that deserves you as I don't. I know you love me with all your heart but you will survive and move on. But the hurt that i will keep causing you when I leave and go out the door and everything it's nor worth it. Your not worth my guilt anymore. I am done. I am finished. I am out." Without any more explanation he walked out of the room with his bags in his hand and I followed. still at a lost for words. Standing still in the front room looking at him. No words to be found. No feeling to say out loud.
With his hand on the door knob he stopped for only a moment and barely made out something audible " I'm sorry." and with that the door closed and he was gone. I stood there the tears staining my chest still rushing form my eyes. It has changed my world has changed and I stand alone with no words to speak outloud.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Sweetness
Your Lips stop my heart when they reach mine
the taste of your mouth so sublime
the caress of your fingers against my cheek running through my hair
your eyes pierce my soul
you know me better than anyone
Each heartbeat says your name
every thought has your smile
the bearth that I take
help me breath in your life
I don't want to depart
So I will just get lost in us tonight
Laying between the sheets bodies entwind
fingers interlocked my head on your chest
we talk about hope and dreams
expressing our deepest feelings
as you kiss teh sweat from my forehead
and hold me tight I know whats screaming on the inside
Each heartbeat says my name every thought has my smile
the breaths that you take
help you breath in my life
you dont' want to depart
so you'll just got lost in us tonight
Having you by my side
gives me such a high
the ecstasy I feel when
your pressed against me
hard to deny the connection
we feel inside
so many moments apart
maybe one day it will stop
Each heartbeat says each others name
every thought we see our smiles
the breaths that we take
breath in our lives
we don't want to depart So, we will just get lost
in us tonight
the taste of your mouth so sublime
the caress of your fingers against my cheek running through my hair
your eyes pierce my soul
you know me better than anyone
Each heartbeat says your name
every thought has your smile
the bearth that I take
help me breath in your life
I don't want to depart
So I will just get lost in us tonight
Laying between the sheets bodies entwind
fingers interlocked my head on your chest
we talk about hope and dreams
expressing our deepest feelings
as you kiss teh sweat from my forehead
and hold me tight I know whats screaming on the inside
Each heartbeat says my name every thought has my smile
the breaths that you take
help you breath in my life
you dont' want to depart
so you'll just got lost in us tonight
Having you by my side
gives me such a high
the ecstasy I feel when
your pressed against me
hard to deny the connection
we feel inside
so many moments apart
maybe one day it will stop
Each heartbeat says each others name
every thought we see our smiles
the breaths that we take
breath in our lives
we don't want to depart So, we will just get lost
in us tonight
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Drowning
The hurt and pain that I am in right now does not even begin to describe what I put you through. I know I did wrong. I know this, I understand this and I accept it. But at least I didn't do my wrong where we share our life together. Where we share our family time. Where we are together. Where our children are. The tears have not stopped. Even though you might not be able to see them streaming down my cheeks and form my bloodshot eyes.
On the inside I am a dam that has been broken and all the water is rushing over everything around making it hard to see drowning in my sadness and sorrow. Not knowing where I can turn. Who I can trust with my feelings, my heart. The place I want to run to I can't. The place I should want to run to I don't want to because of the pain and the feelings that I do and don't have. Of the fear that I will be alone forever or I may stay for the wrong reasons. Of the fear that I do truly want you and just don't see it for myself yet.
I still have wants and feeling that are outside of you. That are for someone else. It could just be a possible fleeting things like a mid life crisis. After I buy the bright shiny red corvette and drive it for a bit I will be done and over it. I will be fine and know everything that I want. Or it could be something real and more that will pull me someplace I have never been and I might want to stay there and be in that moment forever and never leave. To be wrapped in the arms of something I have missed for a while. To feel things that have been absent for so long.
I don't know what I want at this point. I am so sick of saying I don't know but right now with all the confusion I can't see the answers through all the fog that is clouding the path in front of me. Eventually it will clear and I will be able to see. I will know and so will you and everyone else that needs to know. Until then I don't know the answers that you seek or that I seek. I wish I did make things so much easier. Right now that is not the case. So until then I grasp at the passing tree branch's to save myself until they break. waiting for my life boat to save me. And to see who my rescuer is.
On the inside I am a dam that has been broken and all the water is rushing over everything around making it hard to see drowning in my sadness and sorrow. Not knowing where I can turn. Who I can trust with my feelings, my heart. The place I want to run to I can't. The place I should want to run to I don't want to because of the pain and the feelings that I do and don't have. Of the fear that I will be alone forever or I may stay for the wrong reasons. Of the fear that I do truly want you and just don't see it for myself yet.
I still have wants and feeling that are outside of you. That are for someone else. It could just be a possible fleeting things like a mid life crisis. After I buy the bright shiny red corvette and drive it for a bit I will be done and over it. I will be fine and know everything that I want. Or it could be something real and more that will pull me someplace I have never been and I might want to stay there and be in that moment forever and never leave. To be wrapped in the arms of something I have missed for a while. To feel things that have been absent for so long.
I don't know what I want at this point. I am so sick of saying I don't know but right now with all the confusion I can't see the answers through all the fog that is clouding the path in front of me. Eventually it will clear and I will be able to see. I will know and so will you and everyone else that needs to know. Until then I don't know the answers that you seek or that I seek. I wish I did make things so much easier. Right now that is not the case. So until then I grasp at the passing tree branch's to save myself until they break. waiting for my life boat to save me. And to see who my rescuer is.
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